You need to hear this. || A response.
If there are two things you need to know about me before I start this it’s these:
- I am an avid youtube watcher
- I am a hopeless romantic
I started watching this on YouTuber’s videos a few years back, after I saw one of her vlogs about young life. I’ve been following her ever since.
I don’t know her; I do know girls like her, though. Girls who have been through what she is going through—so desperate to find someone who will love them so fully and recklessly. And they all have their ways of searching for that—through “serial dating,” through one night stands, through leading guys on. It’s all about feeling that intimacy. Feeling some sort of control over the situation and over how you will end up feeling in the end.
When I watched her newest video my heart hurt for her and for all of the girls who are in the same boat as she is. This post isn’t meant to come across as judgment. As I said before, I don’t know her, but I do know that she is hurting, like so many of us are, and I wanted to make this post with the intention of it reaching even one person out there who is struggling with this.
She started her video talking about the future—particularly future spouses. She listed off a few of the things that would make up her dream spouse. (Here are mine: he makes me laugh, loves me even when I’m a mess, loves kids and wants a family, and so much more). We all have these lists of things we want in our future spouses, and this isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact, these can be great.
When I was 13 I went through a class on sexual purity. I had never even heard of half of the things that we talked about prior to the class. But one of the things that we did talk about was making these lists. We all wrote down what we wanted in our future spouses and we prayed about it. To this day, I still pray about it.
But here’s what we do need to realize and accept about these lists. Sure, someone could meet every single quality that we are looking for—but they still won’t be perfect. We’re humans. We’re sinners. We’re flawed. Nothing that any of us do is ever going to be perfect. It’s just not possible. And when we can’t find our perfect, that is when we often start to, in Katy’s words, “accept what we know we don’t deserve.” We accept less than we deserve because we submit to never being able to achieve perfect.
So why do we do that?
The answer: we crave intimacy.
For this YouTuber, she talks about one night stands and how occasionally, she’ll use those to fulfill her need for intimacy. She talks about the feeling that she gets just by being in someone’s arms, and how it feels like finally getting it right.
Until they leave.
I’ve been there.
For me, personally, it wasn’t one night stands. My tactic was to just avoid guys at all costs because I’d convinced myself that no one was ever going to love me anyway, so why try?
I have friends who have been there.
Sipping on alcohol until they can’t feel their limbs anymore and they finally feel free, lovable, unreserved.
Going back to boys who had wrecked their hearts over and over and over because they thought that no one else would ever love them the same way—that they would never love anyone the same way.
We all crave love.
We all crave intimacy.
So here’s my proposal: what if we don’t find our intimacy and fulfillment inside of our significant others?
What if there’s someone out there who could love us even better than any other human can?
In the last few years I’ve learned a lot about the God shaped hole in my heart. The one that I thought could be filled with friendships and love and acceptance, when in reality, could only be filled by the creator of my soul.
I remember it like it was yesterday: I was laying in bed one night in tears, because I felt like so much of an outcast. I had my phone playing random music, and “Beloved” by Tenth Avenue North came on. (If you’ve never heard it, please take a few minutes and listen to it). In that moment I physically felt the arms of Jesus wrap around my body and just hold me.
It was probably the most comforting thing I’ve ever felt.
And it was so, so real.
I honestly don’t know what else to say. Just, God’s love is so much deeper and surer than anything I’ve ever felt on this earth. He’s held me every time I’ve ever felt like I was falling apart; every time I would run away, He’s been waiting with arms stretched open for my return.
Do I want a marriage with an awesome guy who will love me fully? Of course!
But do I need that someday so desperately that I’ll do anything possible to fill that hole now? No.
My God’s got me; I’m going to focus fully on him and live in peace and satisfaction and wholeness because that’s who he is.
“Love of my life
Deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I’m the giver of life
I’ll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me
you’re chasing lovers that won’t satisfy
won’t you let me make you my bride
you will drink of my lips and you’ll taste new life”